From the Podcast: Ep 19 From Control to Connection: Rethinking Discipline with Kristin Schmoke

Parenting has a funny way of humbling us.

Before we have children, it can be easy to believe we know how we’ll handle things. We imagine ourselves staying calm, setting clear expectations, and responding with patience every time. Then real life happens. Kids push back. Emotions run high. The same strategies that seem like they “should” work do not always work. And sometimes, the harder we try to control the behavior, the more disconnected everything feels.

In a recent episode of Happier Childhoods, I talked with parent coach, educator, and mom of four Kristin Schmoke about what it looks like to shift from control to connection in parenting. Kristen shared how her own parenting journey helped her rethink traditional discipline and begin seeing child behavior in a completely different way.

One of the biggest takeaways from our conversation was this:

What if your child’s behavior is not something to control, but something to understand?

Behavior Is Communication

When a child is melting down, refusing to listen, grabbing a toy, yelling, hitting, or pushing back, it is easy to immediately label the behavior.

They’re being disrespectful. They’re being defiant. They’re being lazy. They know better. They’re doing this to me.

But Kristen offered a powerful shift: stop making your child’s behavior mean something about you.

A child’s behavior is often a message. It may be saying, “I’m overwhelmed.” “I need help.” “I don’t have this skill yet.” “I’m dysregulated.” “I need to feel seen.” “I need you to slow down and understand what’s happening underneath the surface.”

That does not mean the behavior is acceptable. It does not mean we ignore boundaries or let children do whatever they want. But it does mean we pause before reacting. We ask, “What is this behavior trying to tell me?”

Control Often Creates More Pushback

Many of us were raised with the idea that adults are in charge and children should obey. And yes, children do need adults to guide them. They need boundaries, structure, and support.

But there is a difference between guidance and control.

When we parent from control, the goal becomes getting the child to comply. We may use threats, punishments, lectures, or consequences that come from our own frustration. In the moment, it can feel like we are doing what we are “supposed” to do as parents.

But control often creates more resistance.

Kristin talked about how trying to control a child can accidentally send the message, “I don’t believe you can do this.” Over time, that can impact a child’s ability to trust themselves. And as children get older, especially into the teen years, control often leads to bigger defiance.

Instead of asking, “How do I make my child do this?” we can begin asking, “Where can I build trust? Where can I loosen my grip just a little? What skill does my child still need help learning?”

That shift can make the boundary more relational, more intentional, and more effective.

The Grown-Up Work Starts With the Grown-Ups

One of the most practical parts of our conversation was the reminder that mindful parenting starts with the adult. Before we can help children regulate their emotions, we have to notice what is happening inside of us.

Are we overwhelmed?

Are we rushing?

Are we stressed?

Are we assuming the worst?

Are we reacting from old patterns?

Are we taking our child’s behavior personally?

Kristen talked about the power of slowing down and taking a breath before responding. And while that sounds almost too simple, it matters because it works.

When we are stressed or triggered, our thinking brain goes offline. We become reactive instead of responsive. That is when we say things we regret, give consequences we cannot realistically follow through on, or turn a small moment into a much bigger one.

Taking a few breaths gives us a chance to come back to ourselves before we respond to our child.

It also models emotional regulation. Kids learn far more from what we do than what we say. When a child sees an adult pause and say, “I need a minute before I respond,” they are learning what it looks like to handle big feelings in a healthy way.

Repair Matters

No parent gets it right all the time. We yell. We overreact. We get impatient. We say the thing we wish we had not said. We have what Kristin called those “scary mommy” moments.

The good news is that hard moments do not have to be the end of the story. Repair is powerful.

Repair might sound like:

“I’m sorry. The way I spoke to you was not okay.”

“I was frustrated, but that was my responsibility to handle.”

“I want to try that again.”

“I still need the trash to be taken out, but I should not have yelled.”

Repair does not mean the original boundary disappears. The trash still needs to be taken out. The toy still needs to be put away. The screen still needs to be turned off.

But repair separates the relationship from the correction. It lets the child know, “You are valuable. I made a mistake. I am the adult, and I am working on how I show up.”

That helps children learn accountability without shame.

Boundaries Can Be Collaborative

Collaboration does not mean children run the house. It means we include them in conversations when we can. We help them understand the “why” behind a boundary. We listen to their experience while still holding our role as the adult.

For example, instead of immediately saying, “No more video games. You’re done,” we might say: “I’m noticing screen time is starting to affect homework and family time. I want to understand what’s going on. What do you think would help?”

From there, the parent still holds the boundary. But the child is invited into the process. They get to practice problem-solving, self-awareness, and responsibility.

Kristin also talked about the importance of family values. Sometimes we get upset about a behavior because it bumps up against something we deeply value, like respect, responsibility, kindness, honesty, or work ethic. When we understand our own values, we can communicate boundaries more clearly.

Instead of, “Because I said so,” we can say, “In our family, helping each other matters. That’s why chores are important.”

This helps everyone understand that rules are not random. They are connected to what matters in the family.

Rethinking Sharing

One part of the conversation I loved was Kristin’s perspective on sharing.

Adults often tell young children, “You need to share,” or “Give them a turn,” even when the child is deeply engaged in play. But forced sharing can create resentment, frustration, and power struggles. She suggested a different approach: give children the words to communicate.

Instead of forcing a child to hand something over, we can teach them to say:

“I’m still using this. You can have it when I’m done.”

This protects the child who is currently playing while also giving hope to the child who is waiting. It teaches patience, communication, and empathy.

When sharing becomes a choice instead of something forced, children are more likely to share out of genuine kindness.

Look for What’s Going Right

When parenting feels hard, our brains can become trained to look for everything that is going wrong. We notice every argument, every meltdown, every ignored instruction, every messy room, every moment of pushback. But there are almost always things going right too.

Maybe your child helped a sibling. Maybe they calmed down faster than last time. Maybe they told the truth. Maybe they tried again after something was hard. Maybe they sat with the family for five minutes longer than usual. Maybe they made one small step toward the skill you have been working on.

When we start looking for the good, we are not pretending the hard things are not happening. But we are giving our attention a more balanced picture.

And when children feel seen for what they are doing well, connection grows.

Nothing Is Broken

One of Kristin’s most encouraging reminders was this: nothing is broken.

Your child is not broken. You are not broken. Your relationship is not beyond repair.

There may be skills to learn. There may be patterns to shift. There may be support needed. But parenting is not about getting everything perfect. It is about staying curious, staying connected, and being willing to grow alongside our children.

When we know better, we can do better. And sometimes doing better starts with one breath, one repair, one more moment of curiosity, and one small change from control to connection.

You can listen to the full conversation with Kristin Schmoke on Happier Childhoods, where we talk more about mindful parenting, emotional regulation, trust, family values, sharing, and what it really means to support kids in a calmer, more connected way.

To learn more about Kristin, you can find her on Instagram at @Kristin.Schmoke.Parenting

For more conversations about movement, play, connection, and the grown-up work of supporting kids, listen to Happier Childhoods and visit PlayMotionKids.com.