When Preschool Drop-Off Is Hard

It’s that time of year again when kids are starting daycare, preschool, kindergarten, new classrooms, new routines, all of it.

And I know there are parents who walked out of a classroom this morning with their child crying behind them and then spent the entire drive home wondering if they did the right thing.

If that was you, I just want to say that a hard drop-off does not automatically mean something is wrong.

Some kids really struggle with separation at first. They cry, hang onto you, ask you not to leave, and sometimes it is awful to walk away. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t ready. It doesn’t mean you’ve made them too dependent on you or that you should have somehow prepared them better.

Sometimes it’s just hard to leave your parent.

You’re the person they know best. You’re who they go to when they’re tired or overwhelmed or nervous or just not sure what’s going on. And now they’re being asked to walk into a room with a new teacher, new kids, a new routine, and trust that they’re going to be okay.

That can take some time.

Some kids walk in on day one and barely look back. Other kids cry for a week. Or two weeks. Or longer.

And honestly, there are so many things that affect how a child handles drop-off. Their personality, how they slept, whether they ate breakfast, whether they’ve been away from you much before, whether they know the teacher, and sometimes just whether they woke up in a bad mood that morning. So I wouldn’t read too much into one reaction.

If drop-off has been rough, it helps to keep the goodbye simple and pretty much the same every day.

A hug, a kiss, and something like, “I love you. Have fun. I’ll be back after lunch.”

For little kids, saying “after lunch” or “after nap” usually makes more sense than telling them you’ll be back at 3:00, because 3:00 means basically nothing to them.

I also wouldn’t sneak out, even though I'm totally guildty and completely understand why parents are tempted to do it. Your child finally starts playing, they seem distracted, and you think, okay, maybe I can just slip out and avoid making them upset.

But it’s better for them to learn what actually happens. You say goodbye, you leave, and then you come back.

The other part of this is that parents have to get through the separation too.

I was thinking about that recently because I just dropped my third child off at college.

Obviously that is a very different situation than leaving a crying three-year-old at preschool, but there was something about it that felt familiar. You’re trying to be excited for them, and you are excited for them, but you’re also wondering if they’re ready and if they’ll be okay and whether you’ve done enough to prepare them.

And sometimes you’re wondering if you’re ready too.

I don’t think we have to pretend we don’t have those feelings. But I do think we have to be careful not to make our kids feel like they need to take care of us emotionally during a transition that is already hard for them. Even little kids pick up on that.

So at preschool drop-off, sometimes all you can really say is, “I know you don’t want me to go. I know this is hard. Ms. Sarah is going to take care of you, and I’ll be back after nap.”

And then you leave. They might still cry. You might feel terrible walking away but it does get better.

Over time, most kids start to understand the routine. They get to know the teacher. They figure out what happens during the day. The classroom stops feeling so unfamiliar.

And most importantly, they learn that when you say you’re coming back, you come back.

So if drop-off is hard right now, give it some time.

Your child can miss you and still have a good day. They can cry when you leave and be playing happily a few minutes later. They can have a rough first week and end up loving school.

And they can be very attached to you while still learning how to be okay without you there for a little while.